Written by Nika Štěpánková
Translated by Aleš Launer
Cast
Man, Woman, Boy, Girl, Grandfather, Stranger, Savage Girl
***
(“stone-age” music; a stone-age family and their life – a drama study)
Man: Aha, you’re here, right? Well, I’m glad to have you here. Welcome to the Stone Age. (all of them line up and sing the jingle: Stone Age, Stone Age, Stone Age, Stone Age)
Woman: Long live the Stone Age!
Boy: The Stone Age forever!
Girl: The Stone Age, the best time for people!
Man: And now, I’d like to introduce my family to you.
Woman: No, no. I’m the one to introduce our family – we’ve got matriarchy now, darling.
Man: Oh yeah.
Woman: I am the woman, the head of this family. This is my super, wonder, intelligent daughter. We found this young man in the woods when he was a baby. So he lives with us. He is our daughter’s boyfriend. They’re a wonderful couple, aren’t they? This man is my hubby. Well, the man up there is our grandfather. He lives in the trees because he is a conservative person.
Girl: Grandpa, don’t put us to shame, and come down from the tree.
Grandfather: No way. The dinosaurs didn’t like it down there either.
Boy: That’s not the reason. They were supposed to get extinct. Watch out. (all of them sit in front of a TV and stuff themselves with peanuts)
Girl: Dear televiewers, you are going to see a TV documentary about dinosaurs. Have a good time. (a dinosaur eating another dinosaur – a drama study)
We should learn a lesson from it. Professor Stone has the floor...
Boy: Dear spectators, if you eat and eat and eat like pigs, then there is no future even for the best present. (the viewers are shocked; the Man starts choking; the Woman hits him on the back)
Girl: You were so wonderful. May I have your autograph? Please.
Boy: My autograph? (he takes a piece of chalk and draws an oval onto the cave’s wall) Stone. This is my name, just for you.
Girl: Thank you, thank you very much.
Boy: It’s your turn now. (passing her the piece of chalk)
Girl: For Stone with love... me. (drawing an oval, a heart and a doll)
Woman: Well, what does this mean?! Graffiti people..., help, they’re gonna destroy my cave. Get ’em, catch ’em, seize ’em! (she goes after them with a broom)
Boy: You do not understand art, dear madam. After half a million years people will see this in art galleries; students will be learning about it in history classes.
Grandfather: This boy is right. I have been keeping something for that time too. Look. (showing them a small figuline, the Venus of Vestonice)
Woman: Oh, you’re a sex maniac, Grandpa!
Grandfather: Hold on. This is Granny, your mother, you know.
Woman: My mother?
Grandfather: She was a real beauty when she was young.
Man: Hey, show it to me... She isn’t bad. I think I would have asked her to...
Woman: (she slaps him) That’s for you, and shut up.
Man: You can say whatever you want, but the past was much better. I used to be the king of trees. No gorilla could jump from one tree to another better than me.
Woman: And did your ‘jumping’ do us any good? No, never ever.
Man: Stop bitching about it, or I’ll go up there again.
Girl: You wouldn’t make it at all, Dad.
Man: Me? Easily. I can go up there like a bomb.
Woman: All right, move your lazy bones and send back a couple of bananas for breakfast.
Man: (he starts running, but he changes his mind at the last moment) Why just bananas? I am sick of them… People say they aren’t healthy.
Girl: You can’t climb up there, right? Why don’t you admit it?
Woman: A typical man.
Man: Come off it. Ouch, my back hurts. It might be something serious. The cave is too chilly. I may have caught a cold. And when I start coughing... Can you hear it? Such a strange sound… here. Or is it right next to my heart? Aha, my heart. It must be a heart attack. I am going to die.
Woman: That’s all we need.
Man: I need some medicine. Snake poison, green tea with honey, or rather some aspirin. Put me in the sun, and bring me breakfast.
Girl: Our father is great, isn’t he?
Woman: A typical man. Lying, lazy and always hungry. Stop it, you liar. Get up!
Man: I am so hungry, I want my breakfast.
Boy: This is an interesting statement. From the philosophical point of view...
Woman: Shut up, young man. Forget your crazy theories because, in practice, women have to make the breakfast anyway. Come on, daughter, let’s go fishing.
Man: Hip, hip, hooray. I will have breakfast.
Boy: They work, that’s a good thing, but…
Man: ...they don’t respect us.
Boy: That’s it. They don’t respect us. Why don’t they respect us?
Grandfather: Since we’ve got matriarchy. Your Granny never respected me either.
Boy: We have to fight for men’s rights and equality.
Grandfather: We have no chance, boy.
Stranger: Bongiorno, signore! (he has got a banner with Stop matriarchy)
Others: Bongorongo…
Stranger: I see you don’t speak a foreign language. Never mind. How are you?
Others: We are fine, thanks, everything’s quite all right…
Stranger: Do they respect you?
Others: Who?
Stranger: The women – who else do you think. (reading out) Stop matriarchy.
Boy: This is pretty radical… Stop matriarchy and start what?
Stranger: Start patriarchy. The men will rule now!
Man: That’s nonsense. My wife will never say yes to it. Neither will my daughter.
Stranger: You chickens. We have done it. Our women respect us. They obey us and shut up.
Grandfather: I don’t believe you.
Stranger: It’s true.
Grandfather: Your women keep quiet?
Stranger: Yes, sir.
Boy: But that’s wrong. They shouldn’t be quiet, they shouldn’t just obey. I am talking about harmony, love and friendship…
Girl: Can you hear it, Mum? Isn’t he wonderful?
Woman: Shhh, be quiet. (they are hidden listening to what men are talking about)
Stranger: This is just idealistic bullshit, trash. We have to…
Man: ...go back up into the treetops. I used to be the king of trees. No gorilla could jump from one tree to another better than me.
Stranger: But you are a man, not a gorilla. The trees are good for gorillas, not for you. You’ve got a higher mission than just jumping.
Man: What mission?
Stranger: We will conquer the world.
Boy: Oh yes, side by side with women.
Stranger: Are you crazy? The women’s world is a completely different world – it’s a world full of children, cooking, washing, cleaning… Nothing interesting for men. The men have to go and fight their enemies.
Man: Hooray, hooray, hooray…
Woman: You damn fools. I’ll show you. Here is your enemy, and here is another. Hooray, hooray, hooray.
Man: We were just joking, darling.
Stranger: (he is hidden behind the banner) Dear madam… dear friend… This must be a misunderstanding. We have been talking about harmony, love and friendship…
Woman: You demagogue, I’ll show you! (she grabs the banner out of his hands) Give me that awful thing.
Stranger: (falls on his knees) Help! They are beating a PR expert. Help!
Woman: (she raises her hand and smashes the banner against the stranger’s head) We take care of children, we cook, wash, and clean because we love you. And what about you? If you aren’t out hunting, you just sit thinking and staring into the fire. So you want the end of matriarchy? We are your enemies?
Man: But darling…
Woman: (grabs the stranger) Get lost, you criminal!
Stranger: (confused) Goodbye…
Woman: (arranging her untidy hair) Any more questions, gentlemen?
All: (shaking their heads)
Woman: No questions? Everything’s clear?
Man: Everything’s clear, darling, everything’s clear, just one thing…
Woman: What?
Man: Just one thing... When will I get that breakfast? (music; end of Part 1)
(a night idyll, frogs – a drama study; the Girl and the Boy)
Girl: Why are you like this?
Boy: What?
Girl: You’re being so strange.
Boy: Why aren’t you sleeping?
Girl: I can’t.
Boy: Really?
Girl: Really, I can’t. Why do you ask? You can’t get to sleep either, right?
Boy: I can. I just go to bed and fall asleep immediately. (going to bed, yawning)
Girl: Don’t sleep, sit up.
Boy: Well, do you know how much time we would save if we didn’t sleep?
Girl: I have no idea.
Boy: A lot.
Girl: But we wouldn’t dream.
Boy: Dreams are just fantasies. You are a progressive modern human being. You can do without sleep. And you can change humanity.
Girl: But I’m not thinking of humanity.
Boy: So what are you thinking about when you can’t sleep?
Girl: I’m… I’m thinking of …you.
Boy: Of me? Why of me?
Girl: I think of you all the time.
Boy: That’s a pity. We can’t make any discovery out of it.
Girl: I am your discovery.
Boy: But I know you well, after all.
Girl: Don’t you understand what I mean?
Boy: I don’t. Maybe we will understand it in a hundred or a thousand years.
Girl: Oh my god. It will be useless for us.
Boy: It will, but for our children... grandchildren... great-grandchildren …
Girl: And where will they come from? I mean... our children? (starts crying and leaves)
Boy: But that’s a completely different question. It has nothing to do with me. Those women are really strange beings. I’m trying to discuss some academic theories with her, and she starts crying and leaves. (gives a yawn and wants to lie down…)
Grandfather: Hey, young man, are you sleeping?
Boy: Not yet.
Grandfather: Do you understand aerodynamics?
Boy: What is it about?
Grandfather: It’s about flying.
Boy: I see, I thought you were talking about something new.
Grandfather: Of course I was.
Boy: Flying… the dinosaurs stopped flying a long time ago; the ostriches and chickens have already stopped flying too. It’s an old-fashioned idea.
Grandfather: What about us? Suppose we could start flying? (some music or a song, bubbles, paper birds, propellers, little balloons…; in the end Grandfather jumps down flapping artificial wings)
Boy: Are you all right, Grandpa?
Grandfather: Everything’s all right.
Woman: I am really surprised, Grandpa. This is what I feared.
Grandfather: You knew it, didn’t you?
Woman: I know everything. Why don’t you make something useful for me – a lighter, for example? I can’t kindle the fire with these stupid stones. (tries to kindle the fire)
Grandfather: Here you are. I wanted to give it to you for your birthday.
Woman: Thanks a lot, Grandpa.
Grandfather: But remember, I am a pensioner and I can do whatever I want to... maybe flying.
Stranger: Hey! Come here.
Savage Girl: (appearing on the stage)
Stranger: You stupid, where did you put it?
Savage Girl: What?
Stranger: The banner. Where is the banner?
Savage Girl: (thinking) Over there.
Stranger: Bring it to me, quickly.
Savage Girl: (she brings the banner Stop matriarchy)
Stranger: How are you carrying it? With a little sex appeal, please. Understand?
Savage Girl: (waggling her hips) Is it good like this?
Stranger: Yes, it is very good. Watch out for that woman. Well, good luck. (he hides somewhere)
Savage Girl: (coming to the sleeping boy, watching him, kisses him)
Boy: (he wakes up) I may have had a dream.
Savage Girl: What were you dreaming about?
Boy: About something beautiful, but it wasn’t a dream… (takes her by the hand)
(a love song)
Woman: Well, well, well…
Man: Oh gosh, she is a real beauty!
Boy: Yes, she’s very pretty.
Man: May I... (he wants to pat her on the buttocks)
Woman: Hey!
Savage Girl: (she thinks Hey to be a greeting) Hey!
Woman: Who are you?
Savage Girl: (thinking) I am me.
Woman: And what do you do?
Savage Girl: I love.
Girl: Who do you love?
Savage Girl: Everybody.
Woman: Oh well, you love... everybody. And isn’t it the oldest trade in the world?
Boy: You probably come from a civilized society. Where are you from?
Savage Girl: From the jungle.
Girl: Of course, she is a savage.
Boy: I don’t understand why you are so intolerant. Why don’t you love as well?
Girl: I can’t love everybody. (starts crying and leaves)
Boy: Why is she crying? What have I done wrong?
Woman: Go and ask her yourself. (pushes him forward)
Boy: Wait for me. (leaves)
Woman: By the way, isn’t this an idea developed by some man?
Savage Girl: Yep.
Woman: And where is he?
Savage Girl: Over there.
Stranger: (running away) Shut up, you stupid!
Woman: (to the Stranger) Get lost, you rat. (to the Savage Girl) Your life would turn out badly with him. I know what – you will stay with us.
Man: I fully agree.
Grandfather: And she can sleep with me.
Woman: Don’t think too highly of yourself, Grandpa.
Man: She can sleep with us. You’ll be on the right and she’ll be on the left.
Woman: I know you will like it.
Boy: Group sex will be in fashion much later. Well, my bed is a bit narrow but…
Girl: Never ever! I don’t want her staying here.
Boy: I don’t understand. What do you have against her? She’s very pretty, after all.
Woman: Stop talking nonsense, let’s go hunting.
Man: That’s not for me. You know I can’t stand the sight of blood.
(a night scene; the Savage Girl is lying in the hammock, the Boy sits next to her, she is preening her dress)
Boy: That’s great! I can’t sleep; I am becoming a progressive caveman.
Savage Girl: I can’t get to sleep either.
Boy: That means we could…
Savage Girl: Oh, you are a seducer, aren’t you?
Boy: But only if you’d like to.
Savage Girl: I would.
Boy: All right, I’d love to discuss the great prospects of our civilization.
Savage Girl: Aha, I see…
Girl: (coming in, dressed in a miniskirt)
Boy: (whistles)
Man: What is that that you have on?
Girl: It’s a miniskirt – it’s in fashion now.
Man: Take it off immediately.
Girl: But she is wearing one too.
Man: Yes, but she is a savage, and you are my daughter. Go and change your dress. Now!
Woman: (coming in, dressed in a miniskirt too) Change her dress? Why?
Man: Oh my god, you too? You are my wife and now...
Woman: Since I am your wife I want to be attractive for you. This is a new fashion.
Girl: Mum, you’ve got a wonderful bracelet.
Man: A bracelet? For what?
Woman: You don’t understand such things.
Girl: I will wear it around my ankle, what do you think?
Savage Girl: Great. I will make a pair of earrings. Will you help me, please? (the Boy tries to punch holes in her ears, she is screaming)
Man: And this is what they call fashion. Yet they know how I hate the sight of blood. Oh god, what have you got around your neck, Grandpa?
Grandfather: It’s a necklace. (a fashion show)
Man: Where did you get it? Tigers do not live here any more.
Grandfather: This one is from my young days. Fashion repeats itself, you know.
Savage Girl: (she grabs some bones as if they were dumb-bells, starts jumping following the music)
Girl: (to the Woman) Is she crazy?
Savage Girl: This is called aerobics. I want to keep in shape and have firm muscles, you know.
Girl: Yes, that’s true. (joins in too)
Woman: And what about you, Man? What happened to the time when you had good muscles and strong arms.
Man: I am still strong. I’ll show you. (he is pulling along a big bone; he tries to lift it; when he is putting it back on the ground, his back starts to hurt again) Ouch, that hurts.
Woman: I think you should stay in bed, darling. I’ll slice a watermelon for you.
Girl: A watermelon? Wait a minute. (a gymnast with a ball – a drama study)
Savage Girl: Give it to me for a while, please. (a basketball player – a drama study)
Man and Boy: (start kicking the ball; they kick the ball into the backstage)
Grandfather: Goal!
Stranger: (marching in) Stop singing! Troop – halt! Hooray, men!
Man, Boy and Grandfather: Hooray!
Stranger: We have won our fight and the women had to surrender. We have won the battle for patriarchy. Men, friends, comrades, now you have a chance to show your strength and power. Join me, and we will fight the enemy.
Grandfather: Are you ill?
Man: Let him speak.
Stranger: Thank you, comrade. We will form a military troop – we will go off to war.
Boy: Where?
Stranger: Into the world.
Boy: Where in the world?
Stranger: It doesn’t matter where. We will win the war and we will seize some war booty.
Man: Will we seize women, food and drink as well?
Stranger: Sure thing!
Man: And will we have to work?
Stranger: Warriors don’t work, warriors fight.
Man: It’s a deal.
Stranger: (shaking hands with him) You’ve just been recruited. Get ready to line up. (blows a horn)
Grandfather: He must be crazy.
Stranger: Shut up or you’re gonna go to prison.
Grandfather: You don’t scare me. When a wind comes, I’ll fly away. (shows him a pair of wings)
Stranger: (to the Boy) But you are coming along, right?
Boy: No way, I am against all wars.
Stranger: It’s up to you.
Man: (patting the Stranger on the back) It’s gonna be a wonderful life, bud.
Stranger: Shut up, I’m not your buddy – I am your commander. Understand?
Man: Yeah.
Stranger: Yes sir! That’s what you are supposed to say. And what do you look like, you civilian? Put on your helmet.
Man: But my dear commander…
Stranger: The helmet, you idiot!
Man: (puts on his helmet)
Stranger: Down! Up! Attention! Line up! Forward march! Halt! You’re such a stumblebum.
Man: I have something wrong with my back.
Stranger: I’ll show you, you liar! Attention! (a war song)
Woman: (rushes in) Where is my hubby?
Grandfather: He’s gone.
Woman: Where did he go?
Grandfather: He went off to war.
Woman: But there is no war around here.
Grandfather: Yeah, but there soon will be one.
Woman: Oh my god, he is such a fool.
Girl: Don’t cry, Mum…
Woman: I am not crying, you see.
Savage Girl: (unties one end of the hammock)
Boy: He really meant it; he is the other side of the hill now. (lies down in the hammock and falls) And what the hell is this?
Savage Girl: (laughing) It’s a joke.
Boy: A joke? A pretty stupid joke.
Girl: Mum, get her to leave him alone. She is hanging around him again.
Savage Girl: No, he’s hanging around me because I am prettier.
Girl: You aren’t.
Savage Girl: Yes, I am. (they start fighting)
Woman: Stop it, girls. Why are you fighting?
Girl: Because... I love him.
Savage Girl: I love him too.
Boy: (thinking up a song) Love, love, love… yeah, yeah, yeah…
Woman: What are you doing, boy?
Boy: I am inventing music, an expression of happiness and joy. I am getting more and more civilized. I’ll be a singer.
Girl and Savage Girl: Me too, me too, we will form a pop music band. (a pop group – a drama study; a song)
Grandfather: (puts a headset on; music continues but without any sound) They’re making too much noise. I can’t work here. (the pop group leaves)
Woman: Making another pair of wings, Grandpa?
Grandfather: Yes, I am.
Woman: Why don’t you make a parachute first?
Grandfather: I will have wings with an engine. Perpetual motion. Watch out, I am starting.
Woman: Oh no, Grandpa.
Grandfather: Look who is coming here?
Stranger: (he is ragged, flapping a white flag) I come in peace. Don’t shoot!
Woman: Aha, the commander. Where is my hubby, you rat?
Stranger: Help! Save me! (when running away, he stumbles and falls down)
Woman: This poor thing wanted to conquer the world? (lifting him up) I am asking again: Where’s my hubby?
Stranger: Your husband deserted my army. He was scared to death. War is just for heroes, you know, not for chickens. Well, I must be leaving. Have a good day...
Woman: You stay here! I haven’t finished with you yet. Where did he go?
Stranger: I have no idea. We were just crawling when...
Woman: What does it mean this crawling? Show it to me.
Stranger: Like this, you see.
Woman: Oh my god! You must be joking! We’ve been trying hard to stand upright and walk, and here he is crawling like a worm. Stop crawling away. What did you do when you were left alone?
Stranger: Alone? There were lots of us there. We were singing together. (a drama study with handkerchiefs) We were eating, drinking, and fighting the enemy. Then we made peace and buried the dead. And then we started another war.
Woman: Don’t tell me you liked it.
Stranger: I am sorry, you can’t understand – you are a woman. May I leave?
Woman: No way. You’ll stay here instead of my husband. Hey, girls, wash him, clean him, disinfect him.
Savage Girl: We will tie him up to be sure he doesn’t escape.
Stranger: I object!
Boy: Me too – slavery hasn’t started yet.
Woman: Well, someone has to start it. The first slave and the first slaver. Since I don’t want you to think I am cruel, I am asking you to dinner.
Girl: Well, what does that mean, Mum?
Woman: This is international cooking. The Stranger has seen the world, so I asked him about what they ate.
Stranger: Yes madam, may I offer you a banana?
Woman: No, thank you. Help yourself, noble slave.
Stranger: I would like this chicken leg.
Girl: And what is this? It’s excellent.
Stranger: It’s ice cream, darling.
Savage Girl: And this? It is long.
Stranger: Spaghetti, honey.
Woman: Try this fruit. These are cherries. (spitting out cherrystones)
Boy: And this is excellent. Better than that.
Stranger: It’s wine.
All: I want some too. Me too. Give me more of it…
(a wild song; all of them are lying – the Woman with the Stranger and the Savage Girl, the Boy sits with the Girl hugging her)
Boy: It’s great to be with you. Did you know that your eyes are beautiful?
Girl: And you’ve got beautiful hair.
Grandfather: And beautiful ears... and a wonderful nose... and lovely hairs on his arms…
Boy: Have you ever thought about a rocket, Grandpa? You know, you could just send yourself to the Moon.
Grandfather: Go to hell, all of you.
Boy: Look, how about getting married? What do you think?
Girl: Well at last! Of course, I want to marry you, darling.
Boy: I want it too. (a love song motif)
Man: (coming in on a child’s scooter)
Grandfather: Welcome back home, sonny.
Man: Hello, Grandpa. What does this mean? Sodom and Gomorrah! Get up, I say, get up.
Woman: My hubby. What a surprise. You aren’t jumping from one tree to another with gorillas?
Man: No.
Woman: (shaking the Stranger) Look who is here…
Stranger: Hello, comrade.
Man: Don’t touch my wife, you chicken!
Stranger: Hold on – you left the army too.
Man: Shut up or you’re gonna go to prison. As a senator I have a right to do it.
Woman: You are a senator?
Man: Surprised, hah? (to the Girl and the Boy) And you two stop it too.
Girl: Hi, Dad, back home?
Man: Your father left you but in return you’ve got a senator.
Savage Girl: Oh, Mr. Senator, welcome back home. That’s a wonderful car. Is it yours?
Man: Hello, Dolly, wanna have a ride?
Savage Girl: Sure.
Man: Here’s your car key, and don’t crash the vehicle.
Girl: Well, Dad, you look great. The material, the new style, you know. I hope you don’t mind if I have a piece of it.
Man: We wear it in the senate.
Woman: Hmm, top quality, elegant cut. (seeing some gold) And this is wonderful too. Where did you get it?
Man: It’s called gold, honey.
Woman: I don’t think it’s good for men. Thanks a lot for the present, darling.
Savage Girl: I want to have a new dress too.
Boy: (to the Girl) You look lovely in it – a perfect bride.
Man: What bride? Whose bride?
Boy: Mine.
Man: Over my dead body.
Boy: If you want, Mr. Senator...
Man: Help! They are killing the senator! Well, if you wanna marry her, just go ahead.
Boy: Thank you, Father.
Woman: All right, children, I will marry you.
Man: Stop, darling. We’ve already got patriarchy. Grandfather will perform the wedding.
Grandfather: Me?
Man: Of course, you. You are the oldest here. Well, get down from the tree and take charge of the wedding.
Grandfather: Never ever, I am not coming down there. If they want to get married, they have to climb up here.
Girl: In the name of love, I’m climbing up.
Boy: Me too.
Grandfather: Dear Boy, do you take this woman for your lawful wedded wife?
Boy: (tottering) Yes, I do.
Grandfather: Dear Girl, do you take this man for your lawful wedded husband?
Girl: Yes, I do.
Grandfather: And now... your first kiss. (the newlyweds are coming closer to each other, balancing; they kiss each other and then the three of them fall down)
Woman: Hooray, Grandpa is like us now. Welcome home, Grandpa, you have made a great step forward.
Grandfather: All right, all right…
Woman: Welcome to Antiquity. (all of them line up and sing the jingle: Antiquity, Antiquity, Antiquity, Antiquity)
Woman: Long live Antiquity!
Boy: Antiquity forever!
Girl: Antiquity, the best time for people!
Woman: And now, I’d like to introduce my family to you.
Man: No, no. I’m the one to introduce our family – we’ve got patriarchy now, darling. I am the man, the head of this family. This is our grandfather, my son-in-law, my daughter, my slave, my mistress...
Savage Girl, Woman, Stranger: You...!
Man: (running away) Help! They’re beating the patriarch.
Girl and Boy: (kiss each other; they don’t understand why everybody is running around; they join the others; a song)
The End
© 2003
Výše uvedené texty jsou duševním vlastnictvím autorky Mgr. Niky M. Štěpánkové a překladatele Mgr. Aleše Launera. Jakékoliv neautorizované použití je porušením zákona.