Written by Nika Štěpánková
Translated by Aleš Launer
Cast
Teachers: Rick Dadier (male), Lois Hammond (female), Alice Edwards (female)
Schoolmaster: Mr. Small
School janitor: Mrs. Halloran
Students
Female waiter
***
Halloran: Well, attention please, one-two-three-four, one-two-three-four.
Morales: (rapping) Five-six-seven, put-Ha-llo-ran-in-the-o-ven.
Halloran: Quiet, please! No trouble, understand? You are at school here, so be quiet. The new school year is beginning. Our new schoolmaster, Mr. Small, wants to say a few words.
Small: Well. I want to make this school the best school in the Bronx. Our students will be the best. For two years I was at school in the Bronx, for three years in Manhattan, seven years in Brooklyn. The boss of this school is the teacher! Understand? What do I want? Discipline, absolute discipline. Any delinquency? No delinquency, or you will be punished. I wish you a good school year. Mrs. Halloran...
Halloran: Thank you, Mr. Small. I am going to introduce new teachers to you. Miss Edwards – geography, Miss Hammond – mathematics…
Arretti: Gee! What a sex bomb! Sex bomb… sex bomb…
Halloran: Shut up! Everybody, be quiet! Mr. Dadier – English. And now, you can go to your classrooms.
Rick: Sit down, please. What’s your name?
Dover: Me? Why me?
Rick: What’s your name, please?
Dover: I’m Dover.
Rick: Dover, open the windows, please.
Dover: Yes sir.
Rick: This is my name. Dadier.
Antoro: Is it French, daddy?
Rick: Yes it is. If you want to say something, raise your hand, please. You will write…
Sullivan: I have no pen.
Rick: Well, you can use a pencil.
Sullivan: I have no pencil.
Rick: Here you are. Who else has no pencil?
Murray: Me, daddy.
Rick: I’m no daddy for you. For all of you I am Mr. Dadier. This is my name and you are going to call me that name. O.K.?
Maglin: O.K. Mr. Dadier.
Rick: Come and take this pencil.
Murray: Thanks, daddy.
Rick: What’s your name?
Murray: Murray.
Rick: Remember my name. Dadier.
Murray: All right.
Rick: Put your name onto the cards. I’ll be teaching you English this school year. What’s the number of your classroom?
Dover: 27.
Rick: If you want to say something, raise your hand, please. Will you collect the cards, please?
Foster: Yes, daddy.
Rick: What’s your name?
Foster: Me?
Rick: Yes, you.
Foster: Foster, daddy.
Rick: Mr. Dadier.
Foster: O.K.
Rick: Hurry up, Foster.
Foster: Here you are, daddy.
Rick: Pardon?
Miller: Our Daddy, yeah, yeah, yeah!
Rick: Stop it!
(the school bell rings)
Rick: See you tomorrow. Goodbye.
West: Adieu, daddy, yeah.
Arretti: The police raid!
Rick: Oho, what is it? A bar for officers or what? Stop smoking and get lost! And what are you doing here?
Miller: Nothing.
West: Yep, nothing.
Rick: All right, so you can leave.
Miller: Can’t we do wee-wee, daddy?
Rick: O.K. Be quick and then get out of here.
West: Wanna watch us, dad?
Rick: Hey, what’s your name?
West: Me?
Rick: Yes, you.
West: Artie West.
Rick: Well, stop joking, West.
West: No problem, daddy.
Rick: Go back to your classroom.
Miller: But we need to do wee-wee.
Rick: All right, and be quick.
West: We’re all right now, daddy. Bye.
Miller: Bye.
(the school bell rings)
Murray: (looking around so that nobody can see him in the corridor, the school bell rings)
Lois: Why aren’t you in your classroom?
Murray: I’m waiting here for you, Miss Hammond.
Lois: For me? Who are you?
Murray: I am Douglas Murray, your admirer.
Lois: Pardon?
Murray: You’re very attractive, sexy…
Lois: And…?
Murray: Give me the key to your office.
Lois: The key? Go to hell.
Murray: (grabs her hand, she drops the key) How easy, isn’t it?
Lois: You’ve gone too far, Murray.
Murray: But I haven’t started yet. I don’t give a damn about that bloody key.
Lois: Leave me alone. Right now!
Murray: (releases her) O.K.
Lois: (turns her back to him and wants to leave immediately)
Murray: (blocks her way) Where are you going, Miss Hammond?
Lois: That’s none of your business?
Murray: Come on, Lois…
Lois: Leave me alone… or I’m going to call for help.
Murray: Now you can call for anyone you want to! (Murray attacks her and Lois tries to defend herself, he puts his hand onto her mouth)
Rick: Hey, what the hell is going on here?
Murray: Oh, shit! (gets a knock from Rick) You bastard!
Teachers: (gathering)
Halloran: What’s going on here?
Lois: A coat. Anyone’s got a coat?
Rick: You can have my jacket.
Halloran: The infamous Murray. I have always my handcuffs ready. Come on, young man. Mr. Small will gladly hand you over to the police. You know he doesn’t like troublemakers. Mr. Dadier, come with me, you will have to sign the police record. Let’s move, Murray, the schoolmaster is eager to talk to you.
(the school bell rings)
Rick: Great. This is great. Will you open your books on page 3, exercise A, please? The example: How old are you? I’m sixteen. O.K.? Well, you can start, Miller. No, just sit down and read. O.K., I’ll help you. Do you want an apple? Yes, I do. Go on, Maglin. No, no, just sit and read. Do you want some oranges? No, I don’t.
Antoro, can you read next sentence, please?
Antoro: George – homework – tonight.
Rick: No, it is not correct. You’ve got some problems with this exercise. So you will have some homework.
Dover: What? Homework?
Miller: Shut up…
Rick: And now…
(the school bell rings)
Rick: Well, see you tomorrow. Miller, I would like to talk to you. Well, any comments on the class work?
Miller: What’s wrong?
Rick: You are the boss of this class. Why don’t you want to speak with me?
Miller: Maybe, it’s because Douglas Murray has a big problem now.
Rick: It is not my business. If you had been in my position, you would have done the same thing.
Miller: Really? Are you sure? Murray’ll go to the detention home, y’know?
Rick: But I haven’t reported him to the police.
Miller: Really?
Rick: No, I haven’t.
Miller: I see. Now I understand, you are a saint – Saint Rick Dadier! Sorry, I’m busy right now.
Rick: O.K. Goodbye, Miller.
Miller: Bye.
Lois: Hi.
Rick: Hello.
Lois: I just… I just wanted to thank you.
Rick: You’re welcome.
Lois: I hope that you don’t have any problems with the students now. After you helped me.
Rick: No, no, everyone knows now that I’m a superman.
Lois: Yeah, it’s good.
Rick: And… how are you?
Lois: It’s all right now.
Rick: Today is Friday. The first week is finished.
Lois: I think I’ll celebrate.
Rick: Well, have a good time.
Lois: I must be leaving now. Once again, thanks a lot, really.
Rick: No problem. Goodbye.
Lois: Goodbye.
Alice: Hi.
Rick: Come in, Alice.
Alice: I’m pretty fed-up with everything here. Would you like some beer?
Rick: Beer?
Alice: I’m inviting you.
Rick: All right. Let’s go to the bar.
Waiter: Good evening. What will you have?
Rick: Do you drink martini?
Alice: Yeah, but I thought we…
Rick: Beer isn’t good for celebration. And we are celebrating the end of the first week at school, Alice. We are alive and well.
Alice: O.K. Martini.
Waiter: Here you are.
Rick: Well, cheers. To the health of Gregory Miller and other three hundred young criminals!
Alice: What a week it has been, Rick. What a week!
Rick: Are you tired?
Alice: Not much. But I hope next week will be better and better, until it’s perfect.
Rick: One more glass?
Alice: I don’t know…
Rick: Excuse me, miss, two glasses more.
Waiter: I’ll bring them in a minute.
Rick: I feel fine.
Waiter: Here you are.
Rick: Thanks a lot. This is good, pretty good. Dry and good.
Alice: More than good... excellent.
Arretti: Hi, baby. How are you?
Waiter: Hi, Louis Arretti, I’m fine, thanks and you?
Arretti: I am fine, too.
Foster: Hi, will you have some orange juice?
Sullivan: Sure.
Maglin: And one coke for me.
Waiter: Yeah. Juice and coke. Here you are.
Morales: And what about some music? There’s a jukebox there.
Rick: I wonder, how many alcoholics there are among teachers.
Alice: Why?
Rick: The best thing at the end of the school week is to go for a drink.
Alice: You are right. I was at university for five years, and now... I’m a policewoman. I would like to teach, Rick. But how? How can I do it? I’ve got a collection of gramophone records. Jazz, you know. I’ll play jazz for the students. What do you think about that?
Rick: Gramophone records? It’s a good idea, Alice.
Alice: I’ll play for them Glenn Miller, Harry James and Charlie Bennet. The kids are not stupid, they’re just terribly uneducated. That’s why we – teachers – are here. Oh, my taxi. Bye, Rick, see you.
Rick: Bye, Alice.
West: Oho, look what we’ve got here. Daddy, yeah, yeah. This is for Douglas Murray, you shithead.
(the school bell rings)
Rick: Hello, sit down, please. What’s the news today?
Maglin: Snow, the first snow…
Rick: Yes. What a surprise. We will write an essay today. The topic will be a surprise. For example: I get up in the morning. I look out of the window and I can see snowflakes flying everywhere. I open the window and I make a snowball. Down there is Jane. Hi, Jane, I’m sending you the first winter greeting. You can write now. The topic is A Surprise.
What’s going on, West?
West: Oh, give me a break, beautiful.
Rick: Pardon?
West I say, give me a break, beautiful. I gotta go to the shithouse.
Rick: Sit down, West.
West: I gotta go to the shithouse. Give me a break.
Rick: Go back to your desk.
West: But I gotta go to the shithouse… or do you want me to piss here?
Rick: Shut up and go back to your desk, West. Understand?
West: No, I just understand one thing. I gotta go to the shithouse. Let me go!
Rick: Yes, of course, if you ask politely.
West: I’ve asked you.
Rick: But not politely.
West: I’m gonna piss here on the floor. You think I am scared?
Rick: You are getting into big trouble, boy.
West: Big trouble, you mean? All right.
(the school bell rings)
Rick: Now you can leave for the toilet, West.
Alice: Hi, Rick.
Rick: Hi, Alice. How are you?
Alice: Fine. And you?
Rick: Everything’s all right.
Alice: Come and see. I’ve got my records with me. It’s my biggest hobby. It’s good music, and music helps people get together.
Rick: It’s a good idea. Good luck, Alice. See you later.
Alice: See you, bye. (the school bell rings)
I’ve got a surprise for you today.
West: Oh no, Alice’s got a surprise for us.
Maglin: It’s cool, isn’t it?
Antoro: So, we should give her the standing ovation, right?
Sullivan: What surprise?
Alice: I’m sure you will like it.
Sullivan: It is not a test, is it?
Alice: No, no test now. But good music.
West: Oh, Alice will be a DJ.
Alice: We are going to listen to some good music today.
Arretti: Music? What music?
Alice: Swing and jazz. Let’s start with this. It is called…
Sullivan: Oh, my gosh. What was it?
Alice: An excellent record, right?
Maglin: Got something better? Something we could listen to?
Alice: This one is excellent. Gershwin – Rhapsody in blue.
Antoro: Jesus! Who is this Gershwin?
Arretti: Something new like say Madonna or Eminem?
Alice: This one is great.
Maglin: Got something else?
Sullivan: How about some pop singer. Have you got one?
Alice: Yes, of course, but we’re listening to Gershwin now. That’s real classic.
West: Well, put it away and play another record.
Alice: Well, I can play Glenn Miller.
Arretti: Another old stupid song, right? Got something else there?
Alice: Will you sit down, Arretti, and be quiet?
Arretti: I want to see your records.
Alice: Go back to your place, Arretti.
West: What have you got in that briefcase?
Alice: Don’t touch them.
Antoro: We wanna listen to some good music.
Alice: Go away!
West: Step aside! Charlie’s coming. Wanna listen to it?
All: No!
Alice: Give it back to me!
Antoro: Cherokee. Who wants to listen to that crap?
All: No one.
Maglin: Kalamazoo. Who is for Kalamazoo?
All: Break it.
Alice: No, not this one, it’s my favorite… Stop, stop it, please!
Sullivan: A Shifty Girl.
Arretti: The Harlem Nocturne.
(Miller): Sing It, Sing It.
Alice: You bastards, you bastards.
Foster: That’s it. No more records.
All: No more records. Goodbye, Alice.
(the school bell rings)
Alice: Oh no, you are such bastards…
Rick: Alice, what happened?
Alice: My records. They’ve broken my records. Why? Just tell me why? What did I do wrong to them, Rick? My records…
Lois: Oh, my gosh! What happened here, Rick?
Rick: Alice wanted to play some good music for her kids… and this is the result.
Lois: I am so sorry, Alice.
Alice: Don’t worry, Lois, I’ll be all right. See you tomorrow.
Rick: See you and take care.
Lois: Can you lock the door, Rick? No, no… I just want to have a smoke and I don’t want our kids to see me. Got a light?
Rick: No, I have stopped smoking.
Lois: Oh heck! Never mind. Anyway, this is our new school magazine. I am a journalist now. Do you like it?
Rick: Yes, I do.
Lois: Oh, thank you.
Rick: Is it for Easter?
Lois: Yes, it is.
Rick: But now it will be Christmas. Isn’t it a bit early?
Lois: You’re right. Nothing should be overdone. See you later, Rick.
Rick: See you, Lois.
Miller: Hello, Mr. Dadier. Sorry, I’m late. I have some news for you. I am an uncle. My sister has a baby boy.
Rick: Congratulations.
Miller: Can I help you?
Rick: No, thanks.
Miller: You have something against me, don’t you?
Rick: No. You have something against me.
Miller: Me?
Rick: Yes, you.
Miller: So, you have something against me, right?
Rick: Give me a break, Miller.
Miller: What is that you have against me?
Rick: Are you serious?
Miller: Yep.
Rick: You and West are the problem kids, you know. And you lead my class from trouble to trouble. And that night, five boys against one teacher, that wasn’t fair.
Miller: You must be joking!
Rick: I really mean it.
Miller: But you’re pretty mistaken, sir.
(the school bell rings)
West: Hello, Mr. Small, may I speak with you?
Small: Any problems, young man?
West: Actually, yes, sir.
Small: Something serious? I am listening.
West: I want to speak about our teacher.
Small: Who’s your teacher?
West: Well, Mr. Dadier.
Small: Go on, what’s the matter?
West: I think that Mr. Dadier discriminates against the boys in the class.
Small: Oh, really?
West: Yes, he does. He didn’t let me go to the toilet. And he is very strict with the boys, and he calls them bastards... he prefers the girls.
Small: Thank you for your information. I’ll speak to him. Goodbye now.
West: Goodbye, sir. (the bell rings)
Small: (the school’s intercom system) Attention, please. I’d like Mr. Dadier to come to the headmaster’s office. Immediately...
Come in, Dadier.
Rick: Hello, Mr. Small.
Small: Well, Dadier… do you like your boys?
Rick: Pardon, sir?
Small: Do you like your boys?
Rick: I don’t understand.
Small: Well. You don’t like them?
Rick: I am not sure whether I understand.
Small: Do you like your boys or not?
Rick: Why are you asking me, sir?
Small: I’m the one to ask questions here, Mr. Dadier.
Rick: I like them and I dislike them according as they behave.
Small: How should I interpret it?
Rick: It means that there are some boys whom I like and there are some boys whom I don’t.
Small: And how many do you like? How many do you dislike?
Rick: May I ask you what the matter is?
Small: You call them bastards, don’t you?
Rick: No. Where do you have this information from?
Small: One of your students told me. You don’t like your boys. You discriminate against the boys in your classroom.
Rick: What? Who told you?
Small: No comment, sir.
Rick: Why not? What’s the name of that student?
Small: No comment, sir.
Rick: I’ve got enough. I’m not gonna listen to it. I don’t care if you fire me right away because some of my boys was a liar. You either believe me or that boy. I don’t discriminate against my boys.
Small: All right, Dadier. I apologize if I was mistaken. But you must understand that I don’t want any problems here. What has been, has been. By the way, I need some teacher to organize the school’s Christmas party. Can you help me?
Rick: With pleasure, sir.
Small: Thank you, Dadier. Goodbye.
Rick: Goodbye, sir.
(the school bell rings)
Rick: Christmas is coming.
Antoro: Great! We will have no classes.
Rick: I’m to organize the school’s Christmas party, and since you are my class I hope you will be of some help. I’d like to present a funny story about Santa Claus visiting our school. If you have some good ideas about the party, just come and see me in my office.
Foster: It’s gonna be horrible.
Sullivan: Stupid Christmas party.
Rick: It’s up to you. You can have a good party or a stupid party. Everything is in your and my hands.
Arretti: And who’s gonna be Santa Claus?
West: Mrs. Halloran.
Arretti: Not a stupid idea!
Antoro: Sure, it must be Mrs. Halloran.
Foster: So, we can ask her. I’ll go and ask her to come here.
Rick: All right.
Miller: I’d like to be an angel.
Rick: You, Miller? But you will be joking again and I will have another problem with Mr. Small.
Arretti: I think it will work well. Greg will make a good angel if it’s supposed to be fun.
Rick: But you must spend some time at school after the classes.
Miller: No problem.
Rick: Well, all right, you will be an angel.
Halloran: Hello. What do you need, Rick?
Rick: You have been nominated to be Santa Claus in our Christmas play. What do you say to it?
Halloran: Well, thanks for your belief in me.
Students: Great!!! Cool!!!
Halloran: Thank you, thank you very much.
Lois: I’ll make the costumes. Is it O.K. with you, Rick?
Rick: Excellent, welcome to the club. You’ll be our stage designer.
Students: Wonderful.
Rick: Well, tomorrow at five here at school. Thanks for your help. And what about you, Alice? Will you help me with music?
Alice: No, I can’t.
Rick: What’s the matter?
Alice: I’ve finished my work in this school.
Rick: What? But what are you going to do?
Alice: I don’t know.
Rick: Why? Why are you leaving?
Alice: I’m a bad teacher.
Rick: Alice. Don’t do it.
Alice: I’m a very bad teacher. I just stand and talk, and talking is not teaching.
Rick: I’ve got the same problem like you.
Alice: No, Rick. You are a good teacher. I have no talent for that. I am no teacher, no professional.
Rick: But what are you going to do?
Alice: Maybe I’ll work in the bank, at the post office…
Rick: Well, my friend. I wish you good luck. By the way, can I have your phone number?
Alice: Yes, Rick. Thanks for everything. Take care and I wish you a big success with your Christmas party. Bye.
Miller: May I help you, Mr. Dadier?
Rick: Yes, of course.
Miller: I think our angels will be great. Everybody likes the song.
Rick: And you are a good angel, Miller. What do you want to do after the school?
Miller: I want to be a car mechanic.
Rick: Really?
Miller: Can you imagine me to be a singer or an actor?
Rick: Yes, I can.
Miller: I don’t know. Do you think that this school is good?
Rick: Of course, I do.
Miller: You are a new teacher here. This school is horrible. And it’s easier to be a car mechanic than to be a singer.
Rick: If you know what you want, you must fight for it.
Miller: I’m a boy only, not a hero. And this school is a big jungle, not a real school. Finished?
Lois: This is great. Good job.
Rick: Thanks.
Lois: Excellent – those decoration and bells. I have the costumes here. Try it on, Greg. The golden star must go on the forehead. What do you say?
Rick: Wonderful.
Lois: I’m going to see Mrs. Halloran. Bye.
Sullivan: And now the highlight of our Christmas party: the show prepared by Class 27 and their teacher Mr. Dadier, starring Mrs. Halloran as Santa Claus, the stage design by Miss Hammond. I hope you will enjoy the show.
Miller: Mr. Dadier. We’d like to wish you a merry Christmas and a happy New Year.
Antoro: And here is a Christmas present for you.
Rick: Oh, what is it? A rat or a spider?
Antoro: No, this time we are serious.
Rick: Oh, what a surprise! It’s beautiful. Thank you very much.
Sullivan: Well, you should try it on.
Lois: May I, Mr. Showman?
Rick: Merry Christmas to all of you.
Lois: Well done. Good job. You can be happy.
Rick: Did you really like it?
Lois: Yes, a lot. I’ve got a present for you too, but I don’t know how to hand it to you? Just say when and where.
Rick: I don’t understand, Lois.
Lois: You don’t understand? I am bored here, you know. This is a horrible school. I want to have a good time with you. Come on, Rick. We will make a merry Christmas for ourselves, eat and drink... and then we’ll see. Come on!
Rick: Sorry, but I’m going to meet Alice, now.
Lois: Alice?
Rick: Yes. She is my girlfriend.
Lois: Oh hell!
(the school bell rings)
Rick: Hello. Sit down, please. Morris, will you distribute the test sheets, please?
Miller: A test? Again?
Rick: Miller, shut up. Close your books, please.
Write your name, class number and the name of the teacher.
Dover: Who’s our teacher?
West: Daddy yeah, yeah, yeah.
Rick: Any mistake in my name and you lose ten points. Is it clear?
West: So, what do you spell it?
Rick: Try hard, West. This is your test, not mine. Quiet please. Arretti, don’t copy. That’s too much, Arretti. Bring me your test sheet.
Arretti: Why me? Why the hell me?
Rick: The test sheet. Five points less.
Arretti: What for?
Rick: For copying.
West: You chicken shit!
Rick: Pardon?
West: Asking me, daddy?
Rick: Yes you. West, what did you say just now?
West: Nothing. I said nothing.
Rick: But I heard it. Bring me your test sheet.
West: Why, if I may ask?
Miller: Give him that test sheet.
West: Why? Did I do anything wrong?
Miller: Come on, give it to him.
West: Shut up, Greg.
Rick: Stand up, West!
West: I don’t know why, daddy.
Rick: What is my name?
West: So, you don’t know your name, Mr. Daddy?
Rick: What the hell is my name?
West: Oh, shit!
Come on, daddy!
Rick: Knife? What does it mean, West?
West: Come and see!
Rick: Give me the knife, West.
Miller: Stop it, Artie.
Rick: The knife, West.
You didn’t understand, West? I want that knife.
West: And I want to see this knife in your belly. You don’t understand nothing. The fighting that night was my work. I spoke with Mr. Small about you. You discriminate against the boys. It was my work. And now I’m gonna finish it with you. So, you won’t let me go to the toilet when I want to? The stupid teachers like you understand just one thing – a knife in their bellies.
Arretti, the knife, pass me the knife!
Miller: Stop it, Arretti. He doesn’t deserve any help.
Stand up, you squeaking bastard. You need five boys to fight one man? You are nobody, Mr. Nobody. You are not my friend any more. Morales, go and get Mrs. Halloran. Or you wanna forget it, Mr. Dadier?
Rick: No, Greg. I have to call the police. I must do it.
Miller: I know.
Halloran: Come on, West. Mr. Small will be happy to talk to you. You know he doesn’t like troublemakers. Mr. Dadier, come with me, please.
Rick: I’ll be there in a minute, you can go first, Mrs. Halloran.
I want to tell all of you something very, very important: THANK YOU.
The End
© 2003
Výše uvedené texty jsou duševním vlastnictvím autorky Mgr. Niky M. Štěpánkové a překladatele Mgr. Aleše Launera. Jakékoliv neautorizované použití je porušením zákona.